


It's Funny, How I Keep Forgetting You're Insane

by orphan_account



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Depression, Eruri Week, Heavy Drinking, M/M, Self Harm, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:46:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,864
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3110006
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erwin had always said that Levi was beautiful, the most stunning man he had ever seen in his life. He loved his dull grey eyes, and the scowl that was always on his face. His imperfections made him ethereal, soaring on broken wings above everything Erwin could have ever wanted. They were perfect for each other—Erwin loved to give, and Levi loved to take.</p><p>Eruri Week Day 5: Distance/Separation<br/>Warning: triggers, self harm, depression</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Funny, How I Keep Forgetting You're Insane

Erwin was close to Levi—everybody around them could have stated that as fact. The two were inseparable, and they had been almost from the very beginning. They went to school together, lived together, and went fucking _everywhere_ together.

But what wasn’t fact to everyone around them was _why_ he was so close to Levi, when Levi was so far away. His cold exterior ran down to his core, repelling most of the people who tried to talk to him. 

He wasn’t right in the head, everybody knew that for a fact, too. Counseling and Wellness had been after him since he first stepped foot on campus, and things hadn’t gotten any better from there. Every morning, he took a cocktail of pills to keep himself sane for the day, and he knew he was going to be stuck like that for the rest of his life.

Levi had a few classes with Erwin. Just basic things, like psychology and mathematics. The first time Erwin interacted with him, he threw a fit. It wasn’t that Erwin was cheerful—if that had been enough to disgust him, there was no way he would have been able to put up with Hanji. It was those piercing azure eyes that seemed to look right through him. It scared him, to have someone look at him like they really _knew_ him.

He didn’t freak, though, until after Erwin left. When he was actually in the blond’s presence, he didn’t speak a word, save for “Fuck off, I’m not interested in your type.” Still, Erwin sat next to him for their entire mathematics class, and every one that followed. 

Levi pitied him, like one pities a lost puppy. He followed Levi so diligently, and seemed to want nothing but to be _around_ him. Most of the time, he refused to speak to the larger man. Occasionally, though, they would slip into sarcastic, friendly conversation, or invite each other to various parties scattered around campus.

It was simple, and Levi liked that. He liked how Erwin would come over and talk to him like nothing was wrong. He didn’t question, he didn’t seem to notice the scars that decorated Levi’s body, or the scowl that he would sometimes wear that could darken an entire room.

Erwin was oblivious to all of that.

At first, Levi didn’t understand it, why somebody would treat him so kindly. But things began to tip him off. The way Erwin looked at him when they ate lunch together, or how when Levi went home for his grandfather’s funeral, he would call every night to make sure Levi was safe. 

The weekend before Halloween, they went to the harbor. Levi had never been—his family was out in Colorado, and they had never visited either coast. 

Levi felt Erwin staring at him, and swallowed the lump that was beginning to form in his throat. He wiped his palms off on his sweater, feeling the sweat prick at his skin. He focused on the water, but he already knew what he was going to do.

“My dad used to bring me here, whenever I had the day off from school,” Erwin murmured. They sat on the harbor, feet swinging over the water. 

“That’s nice. I’ve always wanted to visit the ocean.”

“Do you like it?”

Levi crinkled his nose. “Yeah,” he finally said. He tapped his fingers against his leg, then, in one swift motion, took Erwin’s hand into his own. Their fingers laced together, and Levi felt the sweat that was beginning to accumulate on the larger man’s palm. “Yeah, I do.”

“I’m glad.”

A week later, Erwin kissed Levi in his dormitory. It was nothing special, just a quick peck halfway through the movie they were watching. The first time, Levi froze up, and stared at Erwin with wide, but unsurprised eyes. “Well?” He had said, and Erwin kissed him again, swiping his tongue over the smaller man’s lips.

Levi kissed back, small hands twisting at the fabric of Erwin’s shirt. After that, he said nothing, and went back to the movie. They fell asleep on the couch, and the next morning, he brought Erwin out for breakfast.

He barely spoke, but kept staring at his friend. He was uncomfortable, incredibly so. He had never been in this sort of situation, and he had no idea what the hell to do. Erwin was his best friend. He cared about him more than anyone, and he had a feeling that Erwin would try something, but didn’t expect it to happen so fast.

That night, he coped the same way he always did—he marked his arms up, cursing himself for not knowing how to act, and finished off a bottle of shitty vodka. 

He could have died when Erwin called him up, asking to go out for dinner. He had tripped over his own feet trying to get the telephone, and when he answered, his words came out slurred. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if Erwin had actually decided to come over. He didn’t have to think about it very long—a few minutes later, the door to his room, left unlocked, was swung open, revealing Erwin in a pair of jeans and a maroon sweater. 

That’s when he remembered the cuts. He had bandaged himself up none too subtly. After all, he hadn’t planned on company. Levi expected Erwin to be angry, or at the very least, disgusted enough to leave.

Instead, he scooped Levi up into his arms, sat him down on the bed, planting a single kiss on each one of his wrists. It was warm, making his still stinging skin tingle.

“You’re drunk.”

Levi blinked. Everything was spinning, and Erwin’s body darted this way and that in front of him. “Yeah.”

“We’ll heat up some ramen, then.”

Levi couldn’t see straight, but he assumed that Erwin was upset, and shot up, trying to stand on his feet. “No, no, we have to go out, you wanted to.” His body swayed, and his stomach twisted, trying to grasp onto reality.

“Levi, you can’t walk,” Erwin replied, hands on the smaller man’s shoulders. “It’s fine, we’ll go out tomorrow.”

“No, but—“

“Levi.”

He was glad he wasn’t the crying type. He was too drunk, and this would have pushed him over the edge. Levi wanted to hurt himself again, for letting Erwin down, for making him come all of the way over here when they couldn’t even go out. 

Erwin must have sensed that. They sat on the bed until he got his bearings, then plugged in the water boiler. Levi wasn’t hungry, but he ate because Erwin put food in front of him. 

“Why do you cut yourself?”

Levi rose a brow, and watched Erwin eat another mouthful of his food. “What kind of a question is that?”

Erwin shrugged. “You don’t have to answer it.”

“I wasn’t planning on it, so that’s fine.”

“Will they get infected?

“Maybe.” Levi took a sip of broth. He didn’t like the way that Erwin was looking at him, like he was some sort of piece on display. He crinkled his nose, and tried to hide his arms against his chest. “It’s stupid.”  
~~

Two weeks later, Levi let Erwin fuck him in the shower, after he, yet again, had too much to drink. He had sat with the shower going, still fully clothed, until Erwin came in and found him. Erwin had been eyeing him for most of the night, hands grazing his body, yearning to fully touch him.

Above that, always, was Erwin’s concern for him. “Levi, you’re soaking wet.”

“I know. I’m in the shower,” he murmured. Damn, he was drunk. He could hear himself slurring, no matter how hard he tried to straighten his speech out. 

Erwin sighed, and approached the bathtub. Levi could smell alcohol on his breath, but he wasn’t nearly as far gone as he himself was. “You didn’t take your clothes off. Or pull over the curtain.”

Levi shrugged. “I don’t need to.” He was happy, and he was warm. His face burned, and he reached up to touch it, squishing the skin against his palm.

“You’re going to catch a cold later if you don’t take them off.”

“But the water’s warm.” He didn’t understand why Erwin was so worried, or why he was looking at Levi like he had grown a third eye.

“It won’t be after you get out of the shower.”

Levi thought about this for a long time, and stood up. In one swift motion, his shirt was off, and thrown into the corner of the bathtub.

That was the first time Erwin saw the full extent of his scars. New and old marks decorated his arms and chest, ranging anywhere from scratches to deep gashes. He didn’t mean to stare, but he couldn’t look away, and Levi noticed.  
He always forgot, how maimed his body was in comparison to most. “What?” he said stupidly, turning away from the shower so that the water would stop hitting him in the face. 

“They look like they hurt,” Erwin replied, reaching out to touch one of them, only to have his hand slapped away.

“That’s the point,” Levi snapped back, unbuttoning his pants.

“Do you want me to leave?”

“No, you’re the one that wanted me to take my clothes off in the first place.” His pants were off, leaving him completely undressed in front of the larger man. He was muscular, much more so than he had expected. They ran like wires up his skin, holding tight to his small frame.

Erwin wasn’t sure what to do. It felt wrong, to have Levi like this in front of him, and even with his mangled body and sour personality, he thought his friend was beautiful. He reached for Levi, intent on moving him out of the shower so he could dry him off, only to have two arms wrap around his torso and pull him forward, nearly tripping over the edge of the shower.

Levi smelled alcohol, and it was obvious by the movement of his eyes that he couldn’t see straight. Still, he kept himself standing, and pulled him into a sloppy, albeit warm kiss. Erwin could feel the water sticking his clothes to his body, but hell, he wasn’t going to worry about that right now. 

Levi bit down on Erwin's shoulder when the blond first thrusted into him, trying to bite back a scream. There were people in the other room, and bathrooms echoed. His body was consumed by Erwin’s, limbs entangled and swallowed up by the larger man. Levi had no idea what he was doing. He had never fucked before, and let Erwin coat his fingers in saliva as lube. He was plastered, and Erwin was pleasantly drunk. 

The pressure was strange. It was uncomfortable, to have Erwin in him like this. But it was supposed to be good, and he was going to fucking enjoy this. Erwin, however, had his azure eyes locked on Levi’s, a dark blush tinting his face. 

It made Levi happy, to see him like this. Erwin shifted forward, and thrust in again.

That’s when Levi screamed. The way Erwin had hit him, the way everything lined up sent a flash of white over his vision, along with sudden warmth in his lower abdomen. His body tingled, and automatically, his legs locked around Erwin’s body. “Do that…do that again.”

Erwin shuddered, and did as he was told, slamming against Levi’s prostate over and over, until Levi’s body tensed up around him, and the smaller man came on the both of them, with Erwin following soon after.

He watched Levi squirm in front of him, cock twitching ever so slightly as Erwin pulled out of him. His eyes were half open, and his breaths came out in short, staggered intervals. Erwin’s name lingered on his lips, barely audible whenever he forced himself to speak. For the first time, his breath was taken away by how stunningly beautiful Levi was. 

~~

He knew that Levi liked to drink a lot, but he had never seen it as an actual problem. He didn’t know that Levi got drunk almost every night of the week, and when he wasn’t intoxicated, he was on god knows what to keep himself high.

For the mess that he was, though, he did damned well in his classes. An almost straight A student, always on the Dean’s List, and always on good terms with all of his professors.

Levi was, whether or not he was under the influence, always a sweetheart. Sure, he was sarcastic as all hell, and he had an attitude that would have made most mothers turn their children in the other direction, but he loved Erwin more than anything, there was no doubt about that.

On Erwin’s birthday, Levi made him breakfast, and took him apple picking. He had never gone before, with his parents always at work. It was a little chilly, with fall beginning, but they bundled themselves up and spent the day wandering through apple orchards, and drinking apple cider on the ride home.

For Valentine’s day, they stayed in, ordered a pizza, and flipped through their old high school yearbooks. Levi’s appearance had changed from medium length, raggedy hair to his short, undercut look, but it seemed like his attitude had stayed the same.

There was one person, in most of the pictures that Erwin recognized. Hanji Zoe had gone to the same high school, and they now attended the same university. 

Most people didn’t understand what Levi and Erwin had. It looked like a train wreck from the outside, but they overlooked the kisses Levi gave him every morning, and the notes he wrote him before he left for class. The lunches, the movies they watched together, all of the times they stayed up far too late talking about absolutely nothing. Everyone overlooked that.

They didn’t understand Levi, and they didn’t have to—that was Erwin’s job.

Erwin had always said that Levi was beautiful, the most stunning man he had ever seen in his life. He loved his dull grey eyes, and the scowl that was always on his face. His imperfections made him ethereal, soaring on broken wings above and everything Erwin could have ever wanted. They were perfect for each other—Erwin loved to give, and Levi loved to take.

Hanji had tried to warn Erwin in the beginning, but it was never serious to him. He nodded, and he said that he would keep an eye out for it, but in the back of his head, he reassured himself that Levi probably didn’t hate himself _that_ much, and he probably didn’t abuse substances _that_ much.

That reassurance was shattered after Levi drank himself into a stupor in Erwin’s bathtub, and took the blond’s entire bottle of Zantac. He hadn’t even filled up the tub with water, nor had he gotten to the point of getting undressed, but he sure as hell thought he had. 

When Erwin came in to take a piss, completely oblivious of his boyfriend’s whereabouts in the apartment, he was greeted by the sight of Levi fully clothed, slumped in the bathtub with knees curled up to his chest. 

His eyes were still open, thank God, but Erwin could smell rum, and the empty bottle of pills was still in Levi’s hand.

This was, if possible, worse than the panic he had been sent into after hearing of his father’s car accident as a child. He practically dove into Levi, grabbing him by the chin and forcing him to look up. His eyes rolled around, and his eyes began to flutter shut. His lips moved, but Erwin couldn’t understand.

A hand tried to, presumably, hit him, but it only brushed against his shoulder before slumping back to Levi’s side. 

Thank _God_ , he was still conscious.

That relief only lasted a few more seconds, until Levi slumped down into the bathtub, out cold. He should have called the paramedics, so why the hell did he whip out his phone and call Hanji?

Because Levi, if he made it out of this alive, would have _killed_ him. In retrospect, it was stupid, he should have brought an ambulance over as fast as possible, but his mind wasn’t working, and his fingers couldn’t type anything fast enough. 

“Hanji? Hanji, holy shit you’re awake, thank you—“

He heard an irritated sigh on the other end of the line, followed by an “Erwin, it’s three in the morning, this better be fucking _good_.”

“It’s Levi.”

That, easily, changed the entire course of the conversation. “What did he do?” 

“He’s in the bathtub, and he’s passed out drunk, and—“

“So? He does that all of the time.”

“—he finished off my new prescription of Zantac. I had no idea he was in here, I thought he was asleep, and—“

“ _Erwin_.”

“Huh?”

“Why are you not calling the hospital.”

“I..I…I thought you would know what to.”

“Either stick your fingers down his throat and make him throw it up, or call the paramedics. Do you need me there?”

“No, no, I can handle it. I just…I needed, uhm, it’s fine. It’s fine. Yeah, I’ll take care of it.”

Either make him puke it up, or have the doctors pump his stomach. He should have had a doctor do it, but he didn’t have time to wait around for an ambulance. He sat Levi back up, and his out fell open easily. He didn’t know what the hell he was doing, but he stuck his fingers down Levi’s throat, feeling around until he hit what he was looking for. 

Levi’s eyes snapped back open, and he jerked his hand out just before the smaller man puked up the contents of his stomach, spitting and coughing in between wretches. 

The first thing he did when he managed to pull himself together was look up at Erwin, and blink a few times. “What happened?”

“You’re still drunk, we’ll talk about it in the morning,” Erwin murmured, more relieved than anything else that Levi was responsive, and Levi was _alive_. “Here, let’s get your teeth brushed, and we’ll go to bed.”

“I’m not tired,” Levi forced out, but his eyes were beginning to close again, and the haggard features of his face seemed even more prevalent. 

Erwin thought fast, and leaned over to kiss Levi on the forehead. He had broken out in a cold sweat, and looked absolutely miserable. “I want your company, though. I’m lonely.”

Levi was a mess, Levi was crazy, Levi had a drinking problem, but above all of that, Levi loved Erwin, and he wanted to see him smile. So, without another word, he held his arms out and let his boyfriend pull him up and lead him to the sink. “I’m gross, though, why do you want to sleep next to me?”

“Because I love you, Levi,” Erwin whispered, getting a toothbrush ready to hand to Levi. When he held it out, but didn’t feel pressure on the other end, he looked down to see Levi staring at him with wide eyes. “Levi?”

“Ah, nothing.” He snatched the toothbrush out of Erwin’s hand, brushing his teeth efficiently, and rinsing his mouth with water. Erwin put the toothbrush away, and led him into the bedroom. “But Erwin?”

Said blond sat Levi down in bed and helped him peel off his clothes, leaving him in nothing but his boxers. It was December, but the apartments were hot. “What, beautiful?” he murmured, kissing Levi on the cheek, and then his lips, taking in the taste of mint toothpaste.

“I love you, too.”

“I know.”

Levi shook his head. “Really, though, Erwin,” he whispered, voice barely audible. Erwin was sure that if his boyfriend was the crying type, he would have been bawling by now. Instead, he dug his nails into his wrist, and bit down on his lip far too hard .”You mean a shit ton to me.”

Erwin kissed him again. “Well, don’t hurt yourself because of that.” He took Levi’s hands, and put them on either side of him. “Come on, let’s go to sleep, okay?”

Levi nodded once, and let Erwin spoon him in the too small bed, playing with the hairs on the larger man’s arm until he fell asleep.

~~~

Levi didn’t cry, and that was part of the problem. Levi didn’t complain, he didn’t weep, and he didn’t communicate. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, but rather, that he didn’t know _how_. It would have been an easy maintenance relationship for Erwin, had he not taken all of his frustrations out on himself. Erwin was close to Levi, but Levi was distanced. He didn’t mean to—he loved Erwin so fucking much that it hurt, and he wanted to feel that connection. He was sure that Erwin felt it, but Levi didn’t know about himself.  
It was hard to look for a specific emotion when he couldn’t feel anything.

Erwin tried to understand this, but Levi could see the hurt in his eyes. The desire for affection that Levi could barely give ate away at him, and it hurt Levi even more. He was terrified at the idea of Erwin leaving him for someone better. It, to him, was an ever present possibility. After all, he was a mess, and he knew it.

Erwin had taken a knife, pressing it to his wrist for the briefest moment. He didn’t want to hurt himself by any means, but he thought that maybe, it would help him to understand. He should have know that it was bad, and that Levi would catch him. They had, after all, decided to move in with each other. His skin prickled in anticipation of the pain, and he felt sick. 

He heard the shattering of what was probably a plate behind him, and he whipped around, pocketing the kitchen knife. “Erwin, what the _fuck_.” Levi’s eyes were wider than he had ever seen them, and his hands shook like he had some sort of disease. “What are you…why are you… _Erwin_.”

“I don’t know what I was doing, Levi, don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t _worry_ about it?” the smaller man hissed. “You can’t _do_ shit like that!”

Erwin thought it was stupid to ask, but he couldn’t stop the question from coming out. “Why?” 

“Because you’re better than this.”

“And you’re not?”

Levi stared at him for a long time, biting hard on his lip. Erwin knew that the skin would break, and blood would begin to form as usual, but he didn’t do anything to stop him. He, probably, should have. “No, I’m not. We’ve talked about this already, Erwin.”

“I’m…sorry.”

“Don’t do that again.”

“I won’t.”

Levi blinked. He knew better than to believe shit like that, but he trusted Erwin, so he let it slide. Erwin wasn’t a mess. Erwin had his life together, and he was looking towards a bright future. He wouldn’t have time to fuck everything up as bad as Levi had, and there was no way in hell that he was about to let him try. “Give me the knife.”

“Give it to you? I don’t think so.”

“Erwin, please.”

“Which one of us is more volatile, Levi.”

He knew that was the wrong thing to say. Levi knew that he was sick, and that things weren’t right, but he hated to hear it from other people. Hearing the words come off of Erwin’s tongue made it real. It made him dirty, a sinner, a fucking _waste_. 

“ _Fuck_ you!” Levi spat, charging Erwin until he was only inches apart from the blond. His azure eyes widened ever so slightly, but he kept his cool, as always. For Levi, he was perfect. He spoke honestly, but he never blew up. There were no screaming matches, no fist fights. Levi struck him in the center of the chest, and he just took it.

Who the hell would have hit Levi back?

“I’m concerned, and all you can do is spit that shit back in my face?” Levi choked out, eyes darting around, searching Erwin’s face for some sort of explanation. This was a lot for him—he was never _seriously_ confrontational with Erwin. The words took a while to form on his lips, but they kept moving, struggling to make the noises. His limbs convulsed, grabbing at himself and at Erwin, until Erwin eventually hugged him to his chest, trying to keep him from squirming away.

“Levi, I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Why the hell would I cut myself with a kitchen knife?”

“Why does it matter if I give it to you? I could always get another one.”

Levi stayed silent. He was done with this. He rested his head against Erwin’s chest, ear pressed over his heart. He listened to its beat, with an almost childlike fascination. It was strange, to acknowledge that they were actually _alive_.

Levi pulled away, and stepped over the broken dish to get a broom. Having a dirty kitchen just wouldn’t do.

Before he turned away, Erwin caught sight of the blood appearing on Levi’s bottom lip, and wanted, for the briefest moment, to weep. 

~~

Erwin thought Levi was gorgeous. They went through shit almost every week, but it seemed normal. Levi was invincible, he would never _actually_ try to kill himself. He was too beautiful for Erwin to see how broken he was.

There were certain beliefs that, unfortunately, could not stay in place forever. 

Levi lay in the hospital bed, eyes open, but unresponsive. His sweaters and scarves had been stripped away to reveal what he really was. Muscular, yes. He was always in shape, and he exercised tirelessly with Erwin, whether or not he needed it. 

But it paled in comparison to the marks that graced his arms, and the scratch marks that stretched from just beneath his left eye down to his collarbone. It could have passed as a bad cat scratch, but they knew. There was no reason to try and bullshit anyone—everyone had known Erwin and Levi long enough.

Erwin thought he was fine—a bit moodier than usual, sure, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle—and left to go to the grocery store. They were planning on making American Chop Sui for dinner, and Erwin had forgotten that they ran out of sauce.

He came back to the bathroom door boarded shut, and Levi inside, bleeding out all over the floor. A panic attack gone too far, a drug induced breakdown, Erwin didn’t know.

Levi knew it was selfish, but he didn’t care. There were somethings that neither he nor Erwin could fix, and he was suffering the consequences of that. They could pity him, or they could despise him, it made no difference. 

This sort of shit started when he was younger. At sixteen, his friends Isabel and Farlan died in a car crash. He still blamed himself—it was the driver’s fault that the accident had happened, and he had decided not to drive them only hours before they were set to leave.

Erwin hadn’t come in to see him, and he couldn’t blame him. If the situation were reversed, Levi would have had to have forced himself into this room, filled with too white walls and the smell of sanitization and doctors.

Instead, Mike sat on one side, and Hanji on the other. Nobody else knew yet, and he wanted to keep it that way at least until he got out of the hospital. They shouldn’t have wasted their time coming. There was nothing for him to say, and there was no point in them sitting there, staring at him like some sort of exhibit.

He missed Erwin. He didn’t know how long he had been out before he arrived at the hospital, but he had been sitting for what seemed like forever, while doctors ran test after test, and made him fill out forms that seemed to have no end.

Testing for anxiety, suicidal tendencies, depression, hell what did it matter, anyway? They would release him, and the same thing would happen all over again.

Erwin was hunched over outside of the room. His hands were folded from his lap, and without seeing his face, he looked exhausted. He, like Levi, could not cry. Mike stepped out of the hospital room, and sat next to him on the floor. “He’ll be released tomorrow.”

“I know.”

“What will you do?”

“Take him home, and let him rest before school next week.”

Mike sighed. “The doctors don’t think he should return to the university.”

Erwin smiled, but a sad sort of air surrounded him. “That’s not my decision to make.”

“He’s going to end up killing himself, Erwin. You can’t sit back and watch him do it!” Mike snapped. It was hardly ever that his friends would raise their voices towards him. They were, save for Hanji, fairly level headed, always thinking before they spoke. 

Erwin’s eyes widened, and he folded his hands on his lap, twisting his fingers into each other. Levi was fine, Levi was fine, Levi was fine. He repeated the words over and over, but he couldn’t fucking bring himself to believe them. “I know.”

“They’ll want him to see a therapist.”

“He won’t go.”

Mike shrugged, and crossed his arms over his chest. “How long can you keep this up?”

“Hm?”

“Taking care of him. You’re like his father.”

Erwin chuckled, but his voice was bitter. “No, it’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it, pray tell?”

“I love him.”

“You’re going to get tired of this.”

Erwin, for once, did not think that Mike was wrong. Of course, he would get sick of Levi’s constant instability, his drinking, and his depression. It would eat away at him as long as Levi suffered, and it would destroy him if Levi ended up killing himself. But he would never get sick of the way Levi treated him, how he was always the most important thing in the world, or how happy Levi sometimes looked when they curled up together before bed.

“He’ll be fine. I’ll take care of him.”

“Will _you_ be?”

Self preservation hadn’t even occurred to Erwin. He had been, and still was, so focused on Levi that it didn’t seem important. He stood up, and slipped one hand into his pocket. “I should go see him.”

“I’m sure he’s waiting for you,” Mike said, trying his best to smile. “He’s not very talkative.”

“Thanks, Mike.”

The room was deathly silent when he entered, and the thick air of exhaustion and fear slipped around his neck, choking him. Levi looked up, and immediately snapped his head back down to stare at his hands. His arms looked even worse now, the cuts having turned red and puffy with infection. 

“Levi?” 

Erwin heard Mike at the door, presumably motioning for Hanji to leave, as they got up from their chair and excused themselves from the room. 

“Hm?”

“How are you?” Levi gave him that look, silently telling him that he wasn’t going to get an answer. “Are you tired?”

He rolled his tongue over his lips, and looked at Erwin. “I want to go home.”

“I’ll take you home as soon as I can.”

“Are you angry?”

Erwin thought. Was he? Was that was the sick, boiling feeling was in the pit of his stomach? No, no, it was something else. Disappointment, heartbreak, something closer to one of those. “Of course not.”

“You look sad, though.” Levi’s voice shook, and Erwin knew what that was. He felt bad, for what had happened. For Erwin having to be the one to find him. Would he do it again? Maybe. But he hated how Erwin looked, how tired he was, how fucking _miserable_ he was. 

“I am.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’ll take you home soon.”

“Why?”

“Well, you’re going to be discharged eventually.” Perhaps he didn’t understand. Levi’s look darkened, and he started to dig his nails into one of his hands. Erwin, automatically, intertwined his fingers with the smaller man’s.

“No, why are _you_ taking me home.”

“We live together, Levi.”

“You don’t get it.”

“No, I don’t.” 

“I…don’t understand why you’re doing this. I’m fucking terrible to you, and we both know that.” His voice was steady, trying to keep out the emotions that were no doubt trying to sneak in. He was trying to hold back another meltdown. It hurt, to feel. It hurt, to see Erwin like this.

The words stung Erwin, but he knew that it wasn’t personal. Levi hated himself, hated himself to the point where he didn’t understand the positive emotions towards him, or why Erwin went through so much for him. He knew that Levi could sense his discomfort, and he tried his best to smile. “Because I love you. Remember?”

“You’re too good for me.”

Erwin rose a brow. “I don’t think so. You’re perfect.”

A bitter laugh slipped through Levi’s lips. “Yeah? So why the hell am I here now, then?”

“Stuff like this doesn’t matter.” Of course, that wasn’t true. He feared for Levi’s safety, and he prayed to whatever deity was out there that Levi would stop all of this, that something would change. But depression wasn’t like a switch. He couldn’t just flick it off, and Levi would snap back, completely fine.

Erwin accepted that, and understood that Levi couldn’t help it. That there was something _wrong_ with his mind. He loved Levi despite all of that, and wouldn’t give him up for the world.

“What would you have done, if I died?”

Erwin thought for a long time, staring at his boyfriend with his bright, azure eyes. He brushed his fingers against Levi’s wrist, gingerly lifting the limb to his mouth. Like always, he kissed the cuts, using his free hand to massage Levi’s thigh. “I don’t know.”

“Good answer.” Levi’s eyes fluttered shut, skin tingling at the sensation of Erwin’s lips against him. It killed him, that he couldn’t stop this. He took his hand and placed it over Erwin’s, giving it a light squeeze. 

Erwin moved up, kissing his lover on the cheek. “It’s okay, Levi.”

“It’s not.”

Levi tries to smile, but Erwin can see his eyes watering, and he shuts his own. He hates that Levi is at this point, that he’s swallowed by depression, by self loathing and hatred. “I love you, Levi.”

This was the way things were. Erwin was close, Levi was distant. His dull grey eyes shone with something that Erwin couldn’t put his finger on. His boyfriend was in a world of his own, trapped. Trapped by something he couldn’t help, something that was killing him. 

The distance was not enough, though, to push Erwin away. It was a defense mechanism, when Levi was like this. A wall to try and keep things from getting worse.

Erwin brushed the fringe of Levi’s hair out of his face, cupping his cheek as the hand drifted down.

“I want to go home.”

No matter how far away, Erwin thought Levi was ethereal.


End file.
